oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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