Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize