im six kinds of drunk right now
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
