then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
