I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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