Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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