Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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