his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
