so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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