You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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