you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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