dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
