They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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