Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
