I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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