literally had 100 drinks last night.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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