Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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