So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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