So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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