okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
