i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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