I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
