I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Less talking, more tequila
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
