my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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