i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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