Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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