If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
