you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
