where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize