So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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