i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
