Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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