remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
