So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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