I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize