Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
