True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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