Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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