Your mouth is God's brothel.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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