HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
