Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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