I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
