so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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