The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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