im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
