Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
