The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
