I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I feel like death gave me a hand job
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
