Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
