Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
