Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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