so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
