these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
