No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I could make wine with my vomit
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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