...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
