I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize