i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
