i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
