i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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