I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize