I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
