So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
