Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
