Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
