I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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