Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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