please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
im on a boat
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