Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize