I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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