the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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