see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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