Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
